For the record and to get this straight from the off I do not have any desires through my fight with depression to cut or harm myself physically.
Now having cleared up that stereotype I can confess to a different form of self harm. In a warped way a positive self harm that if in checked could become something far more sinister and less likely to be spotted.
Through my need to be physically very fit as a soldier I have the need to train on a regular basis. I also have the need to develop robustness to keep going in the face of physical adversity. In order to achieve this I tend to train regularly .. Four to five days a week with a range of running and circuit training.
To the casual observer a healthy rounded individual out doing good healthy activity to keep themselves, well healthy!
Dig a little and a differnt story could be discovered. It is easy to see how physical training could be used as a form of self pinishment by pushing myself harder. Too hard for what is good for me. Ironically it was the Counsellor/physchiqtrist who raised to point when I was initially diagnosed with depression. So far I have resisted that temptation quite well. But I can see the attraction at times. When faced with moments of doubt or challenge it is tempting to push a little more or a lot.
I ran my fastest ten kilometre when I was angry. Not paying attention to the time I was surprised to find I had knocked four minutes off my usual time.
At the moment my training is not really self harm but I need to be careful that it does not mutate into a way to punish myself for my failings elsewhere in my life.
Reworking Joseph 